Therapy is not like regular life. Your therapist should have command of the room so that you and your partner do not spiral into unproductive arguments that you could have at home for free. This doesn’t mean your therapist is bossy or preachy, but that they contain you and your partner’s interactions so you can experience doing things differently. We learn by doing, and having the lived experience of talking about topics that usually spark out of control fights - but then not having an out of control fight - generates learning. Your therapist can help you rewrite your script, but only if they actively keep your interactions contained.

It’s common for therapists to teach couples communication skills like active listening, using “I statements,” or validation. These are helpful techniques, but in order for them to work, the couple needs to be in a place where they feel okay enough about each other that they are motivated to change their own behavior, listen better, and communicate more effectively. When your pattern of escalation is so ingrained that it gets activated by the lightest touch, even seemingly perfect “I statements” can trigger a fight. When high conflict couples try new communication techniques prematurely, they often fail and then write off the therapy process altogether. 

Your partner just said something outrageous. They called you crazy or shouted that if the fights continue they’ll leave you. When one of you says or does something particularly extreme, surely you need to address the words or actions, right? But actually, hashing out those details often makes an out of control conflict worse. The particular words that were said today are not really the point. The point is the messy, hurtful, cycle you keep getting stuck in. That’s what you need to address, not the specifics of this one comment or action. By focusing on the details, you miss the cycle, and ultimately stay stuck in it.