How To Take A Separation In Your Relationship
Is Taking A Break In Your Relationship A Bad Idea?
Separation. It's a big, scary word when it comes to your relationship. And what does it even mean?
So we're all on the same page, I'm talking about separation as a formal, mutually agreed upon period where you fully stop all normal relationship stuff. You don't go on dates together. You stop trying to solve problems that have been haunting your relationship for years. You talk to each other a lot less, and perhaps not at all. You aren't physically intimate, and you may live separately. Most people are monogamous during separation; occasionally couples will use it as an opportunity to consensually date other people (more on this below).
What I'm NOT talking about here is taking a break to cool off during conflict, even a break overnight or for a day or two. (By the way, let me teach you how to actually take an effective cool down break during fights so you stop spending days apart because you can't talk without exploding.)
I'm also not talking about one person giving the other the silent treatment or ignoring them.
A separation is a purposeful, agreed-upon strategy.
And I actually think it can be an incredibly helpful strategy, if you set it up thoughtfully.
There's not one right way to do a separation, but I do have insights from helping quite a few clients with this process.
Consider Moving Out
It's very difficult to truly do an “in-home separation.” If you see your partner all the time, you'll continue to react to them. One of you will get pulled to rehash the topics you've been fighting about. If it is at all possible, I recommend that one person physically leaves the home for even a short period of time. I know this can come with many complications in terms of parenting and finances, but especially if your relationship is in a very dire place, trying to “be separated” while living feet away from each other can be next to impossible.
Stay Separated For A While
Stay separated long enough to really get some insights. Some couples fall into a pattern of going in and out of separations regularly. I do not recommend this. I'd always prefer you thoughtfully plan a longer separation and take that time very seriously rather than take a break for a week, go back on for a month, then take another break for a week. If you find yourself needing to do repeated separations this is usually a sign EITHER that you never gave separation a chance to help or that your relationship is not likely to be salvaged.
Keep Going To Couples Therapy If You Want
You CAN keep doing couples therapy during a separation - in fact I think sometimes therapy is extra productive in this context. But outside of therapy, often it is helpful to keep communication really minimal. If you know you tend to get into circular fights when you try to solve your core issues, doing more of that while separated is not useful. If therapy just goes round and round and isn't helping, you'll probably want to take a break from that too (maybe focusing more on your individual therapy for a while).
Get Clear On The Purpose
Separation is NOT a tool to cool off. It's not conflict deescalation. If you're using it like an emergency brake when fights get haywire, this points to a lack of emotion regulation and conflict management skills - prioritize growing those. But not talking for a month will not help you gain those skills. Some reasonable goals for separation might include:
Take time away from conflict to purposefully develop new tools that you can then bring to the relationship (for example, maybe you will complete a DBT group during your separation or maybe one of you will do trauma therapy).
Get the space to really reflect on whether or not you want to continue the relationship without the pressure of arguing about it all the time (make sure you have a plan for how you will reflect, such as therapy, journaling, etc.).
Try out what it feels like to be split up and evaluate if that's what you want. Sometimes this can be viewed negatively ("separation is just a step to divorce") but personally I am a fan of keeping this option on the table. Breaking up is a big deal, and it's a cliff that often couples have to jump off without looking first. It is reasonable to agree to take space to see what it feels like to be apart so you can both make more informed decisions about staying together.
"We Were On A Break!"
Back to that issue of monogamy - most monogamous couples doing a separation stay monogamous. But sometimes sex and dating are so relevant to the reason that you're trying a separation that it really makes sense to open up the relationship. While this is a bigger topic than this blog, I'll just say that this is something you want to get very clear on to avoid confusion and betrayal.
So, while separation isn't for everyone, it can be a really helpful tool for some, and if you've already tried everything, it can be a game changer to STOP trying so hard for a while.
Want more from me?
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Check out What The F**k Did You Just Say To Me to understand why you keep getting stuck in miscommunication - and how to stop.
Grab the Take A Break Guide for help learning to deescalate conflict in your relationship - to feel safe and connected even during arguments.
